If you’ve read my newsletters or emails in the past year, you understand I sign most “With joy and ease, Debra “.When I write “with joy and ease”, am I wanting to convey to you that I’m constantly joyous and everything in my life is just a cinch? (In other words, am I LYING?) Certainly not.
With this signature I plan to remind you and myself to find the path toward fulfilling purpose that feels joyous and easy. In the flow. Right for us. Although not anything that feels this way also feels effortless.
In fact, over the season since I’ve refocused connect2 Corporation to steer women entrepreneurs to grow their businesses, I’ve frequently felt I’ve been powering through. Although I’ve known I’ve been living the path that’s right for me – doing the professional work I’m designed to be doing plus taking care of my children, my home and myself – many times I’ve allowed the quantity to obtain blaringly high. I’ve been doing the right things but so many of these simultaneously! Why? Because I’ve been afraid. Afraid that when I slow down, my children will suffer. Or my business will suffer. Or my divorce process will slow down further. Or more. Or worse.
So as much as I’ve been practicing surviving in experience of Spirit, I’ve also been burning out my power supply. Pretty consciously. Not willing to see a better way because I was convinced I was right: I was alone, solely responsible. And apparently, because I was fearful of upsetting anyone – especially my clients or loved ones – I clung to these beliefs.
But about monthly ago my motor burned out. (Please forgive my metaphors if they don’t really make mechanical sense.) I’d been gearing up for my divorce trial, scheduled for June 28 and 29. Expecting it to be physically and emotionally exhausting, I conserved my energy. I chose not to wait a club mitzvah or even a dear friend’s wedding – both out of town – to keep focused spotify a course in miracles. I swallowed my pride and faced my fears to request help. (And gratefully received it!) I did so my level best to organize, to make sound and rational choices. Needless to say, my days were still overly full. And I noticed things kept going wrong. They certainly were not exercising with ease. I felt out of the flow. I sensed I was in power struggle. But I kept trying. And then, significantly less than fourteen days ahead of the trial was scheduled to begin, I heard it was apt to be postponed for at the least six months. The adrenaline I’d been living off plummeted. And I crashed hard.
First, I cried. (For me, this is always an accomplishment.) Then I felt too drained to move. To see clients. To come back calls, even personal ones. To write. I was fried. I assumed this was all merely emotional, as postponement of the trial (and therefore its ultimate resolution) was deeply disappointing and frustrating to me. Turns out I also had strep throat. And a sinus infection. All I could do, for a lot of, a number of days, was rest. I humbly postponed client meetings. I took a rest from typical marketing activities. I cancelled work outs. I stopped cooking. I knew I’d reached my limit.
Reaching my limit was a miracle. (My favorite definition of “miracle” is from A Course in Miracles: “a shift in perception.”) I finally shifted my perception of myself to someone allowed to stop. Someone for whom it is safe to stop. Someone who are able to stop constantly moving, tend and then her needs, and survive it. Simply for a while.
The children understood. My friends understood. My clients were very kind about it. Dear people made time to bring me food and perform a few plenty of our laundry. And I healed.
A Course in Miracles also says “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle may be the love that inspires them. In this sense anything that arises from love is just a miracle.” My miracle is that I finally loved myself enough to stop taking care of anything else and start nurturing only me. Naps. Bravo TV. A lot of books. Soothing music. Quiet time. Meditation. Several lovely days on Cape Cod in a fairly inn all by myself.
My fear that when I stopped, everything would crash down around me — was False Evidence Appearing Real. Stopping was absolutely necessary. Ultimately rejuvenating. And I came across energy and support to clear my ex’s possessions out my home. And to clean out everything the kids had outgrown. Then I read and napped some more. The times were a cloud of alternating activity and rest – all off my usual beaten path.
Using this whole experience I remembered I’m loved, by my parents, friends, Spirit, myself, and people I didn’t even know had been thinking of me. After more than fourteen days from business I concluded that I need to schedule regular, true downtime for myself – maybe even take 2 weeks from work 2-3 times per year. Radical. Easy. Lovely. Loving.